Miller Lite FTW!!!!

The Turtle  March 6 2010 10:06:22 PM

Can I say that I completely love the Miller Lite ad that's out these days?  If you watched the Duke/North Carolina bloodbath tonight on ESPN, you saw this commercial at halftime... upbeat music, white background, hot chick climbing all over cute guy, until it's revealed that the real love of this guy's life is a... well, just look at the damn thing, OK?



Let me explain something.

I spent about four YEARS doing online dating.  I was a beta user of eHarmony, which is the commercial being spoofed in the Miller commercial, and like the old John Valby gag*, I rejected eHarmony.   OMFG, what a fucking smarmy, nannyish chunk of steaming shit!  Homophobia, Judeo-Christian indoctrination, and all the benefits of emotional "home owners' associations" and all for the low, low price of sixty bucks a month.   I canned them long before they canned my atheist, open-minded, Democratic ass.

I am beyond delighted that Miller Lite is spoofing the living crap out of Dr. Neil Clark Warren's little experiment in making more fundy white babies.

Now, some background you may not know:

First, Dr. Neil Clark Warren attributes the "early success" of eHarmony to its promotion through James Dobson's "Focus On The Family."  Ever been to eHarmony's website?  One thing you'll notice is the complete lack of any nontraditional lifestyle choices.   You won't find a single dropdown anywhere on the site that isn't about putting Tab A into Slot B (within the bounds of Christian marriage, of course) and producing Brat C.  There's no "women-seeking-women," there's no bisexual option, and according to field reports friends of mine have sent me, you're likely to be "rejected" by eHarmony if you mention common issues like depression or even if you state your preference to be childfree.

Unlike the early days, they have specialty areas for African-Americans, Jews and Hispanics.  I was actually a little surprised these weren't labeled as "Negroes, Kikes and Wetbacks."

Astonishingly, they now have an additional area for "Christian dating," which kinda strikes me the same way the "mint" flavor of Crest strikes me.  Shit, the REGULAR flavor is "mint," so what the hell is a "mint" flavor doing here?

A minor trivia fact:  Dr. Neil Clark Warren and my wife hold the same degree, a Master's of Divinity from Princeton Theological Seminary.  He was there much earlier, but even then, I can picture PTSem regarding him as a right-wing nut job.

My advice?

Go enjoy a Miller Lite.  It's shitty beer, but it's not as shitty as spending sixty bucks a month on a website that will match you with a Stepford Spouse under the approving gaze of some right-wing old trout with an armload of "scientific" studies that don't mean a goddamn.

Sixty bucks a month will buy a lot of Miller Lite.  And beer will not proselytize.

For the record

I met my wife four years ago on Match.com, who will take anybody who pays them.  She ain't killed me yet, so I guess we'll count that as a win.  And she doesn't look like Neil Clark Warren.   Or drink Miller Lite.



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* The amazing John Valby, 1974: "Nixon got an asshole transplant, and it rejected him!"
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