There’s nowhere to put these people anymore

The Turtle  April 5 2010 01:56:55 PM

Does anyone remember Match Game?  This was a 1960s-1970s television game show (if you never saw it, you can read all about it here) which if nothing else provided a place for obscure "celebrities" to hang out, make some money and wait for their next television pilot or TV movie to come along.  In this role it was similar to its contemporary, "The Hollywood Squares."  I spent a good portion of my childhood trying to figure out what Brett Somers or Charley Weaver were ever supposed to have been famous "for."

I mean, celebrities should be "famous" for actually doing something, right?

It wasn't until much later, and the advent of the internet, that I was able to figure out that some of these people had had minor roles in major movies (or major roles in B-movies) back in the 1950s, or had had Vegas shows that ran for years playing to dozens of people a night, or had done some other obscure thing years before I was born.

Still, in modern times, we have nowhere to put these "celebrities," so they wander around in a big feral mob, waiting to attack and eat stray TMZ reporters and live off the ink in old copies of TV Guide.

Here in 2010, we have an enormous feral population of "celebrities" that can't be controlled, and we lack the old-school corralling provided by game shows like Match Game and The Hollywood Squares.  Yet there they are, sucking up valuable television time, screen space on the "Entertainment" page of otherwise-respectable newspapers, and clogging up Twitter with their fans.  I wish to name them, so that you can identify and avoid them.

People About Whom I Could Not Possibly Give Less Of A Shit:

• Justin Bieber.  Sitting here right now, I cannot picture his face, cannot name a single thing he's done, and lack the will to do so.  However, I dream of a bieberless internet at some point in the future.  I can only dream.
• Miley Cyrus.  In my head, mostly she's famous for being the daughter of Billy Ray Cyrus, and as far as I can tell, Billy Ray was famous for one hit about 25 years ago, and for mullets.  This is not exactly a Barrymore-style show-business pedigree.
• The Gosselins.  Whoopee.  She's got a clown-car vagina, and he helped.  How come you never saw the mother of the Dionne Quintuplets on Match Game, then?
• Octomom.  See "Gosselins," above.
• John Basedow.  What the fuck is a "fitness celebrity?"  All I know is that he's got the eyes of the villain Bruce Willis always kills at the end of the Die Hard movies.
• Any member of New Kids On The Block.  This should be self-explanatory.
• Kim Kardashian or any member of her family.  She's another one I had to look up on the net to figure out what she was ever "famous" for.  Turns out:  nothing.  If your only real "fame" comes from being a reality-TV "star," then there's nothing you're really famous for, is there?
• Anyone Tiger Woods ever had sex with.  None of our business.  Move along.

Now, think about this:  if you read "celebrity gossip" and your targets are these weird things called "reality TV stars," do you realize that there's really nothing separating you from them, except a $250 camcorder and the fact you're watching them, not the other way around?

In an era when we can all theoretically be "stars," there are no stars.  Please quit clogging up my television and internet with these non-stars and their social detritus.  Either that, or bring back Match Game so we can keep them safe and harmless.

Thanks.
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